Blue chocolate

"Laura Ingalls lived in Olden Times," my brother once told me matter-of-factly. "What are Olden Times?" I asked. I learned that once upon a time there had not been electricity or cars. It was kind of like camping or something. They rode horses, they had outhouses. They were basically underprivileged, but they also wore really cool clothes. The girls, at least, wore enormous poofy dresses with ruffles, and these corsets that made their waists tiny, and their hair piled on top of their head. They wore bonnets and boots and gloves. The men wore tall hats and had beards or moustaches. They made up for the lack of electricity with lamps and candles, and that, of course, was cool too.

Ever find yourself reaching through layers of yourself for a forgotten sort of beauty? You know what it looks like, you know you could fake it, but you won't. It's been too long since I hugged the earth and smelled spring. And I know there are many coinciding realities of nature's beauty and deep truths, but the jumble of practical objects invades my vision.

I forgot the beauty of the home chord. You can do so much with the suspensions. Such fullness in music that is the color of slate, or a forest, a clear night sky. Music that captures just what you feel when you walk alone through a village at night, down to lapping black water with a hint of sunset left over on the far side; you sit on an empty park bench and wonder about God, feeling so alone and insignificant but loved; you long for answers, but you know right now His answer is to let you sit and contemplate the vast creation. And in your heart you are crying, a deep longing cry neither bitter or hurt, but the only response you have for the vast mysteries around.

It was a kind of "emo" that, as years went on, became confused with negative angst, fear & insecurity. I try not to promote that kind of emo anymore.

But tonight I'm emo. Sweetly emo. Like I-am-filled-with-joy-because-God-has-given-me-so-much-more-than-I-deserve and I-am-filled-with-sad-sweet-love-for-the-beauty-God-has-created and deep-in-my-soul-I-long-to-see-the-majesty-of-God. Enjoying being human, enjoying feeling, enjoying the inbuilt desire for beauty.