2, 314, 12, 4, 85, 7, 28, and the value of a life.

Does anybody ever agonize over just how to shape a written character? Sometimes I'll perfect a letter and leave it alone. I've settled on a cursive F right now, don't remember where I picked up the shape...

(or what about this:

1ne

2wo

3hree

4our

5ive

6ix

7even

8ight

9ine)

I'm no mathematician, but I like some numbers. Sometimes I associate numbers with people, or with myself. I'll think, "So-and-so just *is* the number -- and I don't know why." Sometimes it has to do with the personalities of lower numbers. Because around the age of 3 or 4 I began learning those lower numbers, and associating them with images and people who bore those ages.I like the numbers that make up my birthdate. They are, well, good numbers. Now, the number 4 is not anywhere in my birthdate, but somehow I equate it with my name, Hannah. Maybe because on an upside-down calculator, 4 is what I would type for h's and n's. 484484. Maybe because I was about 4 when I learned the numbers. (My second-eldest sister is distinctly 8... though she's also a pretty good 14, 16. I remember her 14th birthday well. Meanwhile my oldest sister is more like 9, 11.)

I'm currently agonizing over how to achieve a "4" character that I like. Naturally, there's always the question of which general shape to start with: square or triangle. AKA, L with a slash, or the triangle "closed" type. I've done both. I don't remember which I learned first, because almost right away I realized there were two ways. Either way, when I would switch, it was because I felt the former was the dumb way to do it.

Sevens were pretty much an upside-down L, without the hook on the end. Then I saw my neighbor draw a 7 with a hook on the overhang. My world was shaken. Ever since then, I've considered that hook an extra bit of flair to include. Not to mention the horizontal slash that, somehow, clarifies a 7 from a 1.

But that 4..... man, it's a tough one. It's just as hard as an H. H, the first letter of my name, and I've always agonized over it. The height of the slash affects the personality of the H so much, right along with the angles of the verticles. Bored yet? I can think about this for hours. Not just this, of course, but along with whatever else is important at the time.

4, like H, can be very plain or very artistic in presentation. The one in this font is not bad. It's close, with a slightly bolder vertical than the other lines. But I look at it and think, "but it's supposed to be open." But if it were square, I'd say, "Square is ugly. It should be closed." Like I wrote recently on a message board, how a play on words can sometimes drive me nuts, "like a snappy clip *photo* that you that you open, close, open, close, but neither the state of open or closed are satisfying--there's spring tension either way--so you keep clicking it til someone punches you."

I just saw a mention of July 4. I guess I've always identified with that holiday because it's in the same month as my birthday.

The thing is, I've seen some elegant old handwriting, and "back then", people learned to form their characters *awesomely* (but not painstakingly...that's the beauty of it. Scritch, scratch, voila!). Who decided penmanship didn't matter anymore? It's not just about neatness or readabilitiy, it's about beauty. I've always written quickly and chaotically; sometimes I'll slow down and carefully form every letter depending on the impression I want to make, but generally I try to be honest: my handwriting reflects my mood, my attitude, my vulnerability, my honesty, and my lack of discipline. I'm not saying that writing nicely is pretentious. On the contrary, just like you clean house for guests, there are times to write carefully and neatly. There are times to write like bug tracks. My handwriting is something I continue to develop over time, just like language. My native language is still plastic, open not just to new vocabulary, but new complex sentence structures. In the meantime, I cheat a lot. If the point is to get it written down, I don't waste time holding to an unspoken standard.

But I imagine someday, having perfected my personal script *pfft!,* travelling back in time to a rigidly disciplined classroom. My ruler cracks down on a desk. "Look at that four! It looks as bored as a mummy at chamber concert! Show me some real appreciation for music." or, "Whatever you do, please make your eights look happy. Confident. See this? This is a wasp that has been stepped on. Please, no crushed Apocrita exoskeletons on your exam tomorrow."

Here's the deal with the 4. I want to perfect a 4 that is both open and closed. It's a triangle, but the two verticals don't quite touch. In fact, they have to respect each others' space, while dancing closely. None of this Almost-Cross-But-Not-Quite-Because-Teacher-Says-So. Nope. Scritch, scratch, voila. Leaning, but not resting. Resisting, but not tense. Did you know tiny hash marks had so much personality? Ok maybe they don't. I'm crazy and should go offline.

Nope I'm talking more about it. The L-shape of the 4...I think the trick is the illusion that it sticks up higher than it does, but it's really quite short L with a long horizontal. The tall right vertical shouldn't curl away, because it's the support of the pair and should not abhor the complicated, subjective L that is so hard to shape correctly. The vertical should have a slight curve to it--nonchalant but responsible. A 4 with a very tall vertical and little L looks nice but oh way too snobby for my personal handwriting. See last image in this post. :)

Interesting. I have just decided that the best 4's come when I aim for an honest, no-frills vertical. And I think that's what I've been looking for. Now I can lay the subject to rest. Good night. I mean after I load in samples and comment on each one.

At the end of the day, I like seeing the different ways people write, without judgment, but with observation. Here are some fours I experimented with as I wrote the above post, trying to find what I could do to repeat the effect I want.

pretty cool, but I like the L to cross the vertical.

a little stodgy. Well balanced, but a bit sad looking.

maybe a bit too snazzy, but optimistic at least... it's kinda like a swastika waiting to happen, but it would be a good, pre-nazi swastika of good luck.

Well balanced, actually; I do think the L is a bit high, but I do like it.

kicking back... kinda rickety

the angle of the horizontal slash is anxious

cozy in a sans-serif way

here's style, but the L is too low

the cautious curve of the verticle, hm. Counter intuitive. Not stable.

Nice classic triangle style. Really, I've got nothing critical to say to this, even if everyone else in the world went for the square kind.

Too studiously "not-quite-touching"

What? what's this? Ah, it's a 4 that says, "hang this all, you know what I am, stop blurring the idea of absolute truth, at the end of the day a 4 is a 4; not a 0, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9! You know you love me." And I say "You're right. My judgment of appearances has nothing to do with my appreciation of your being, and I like your confidence."

Here's flair, but the personality but the verticals have opposite personalities.

This one is trying to be many things besides a 4. Maybe it's a 4 in A's clothing or vice versa.

Hmm. This 4 is narcissistic, far more intent on looks than integrity.

This one has wonderful intentions, but is not comfortable with itself.

This 4 is nice but does not have particular the harmony I seek.

This 4 is afraid of progress.

Good, I think this is one where I aimed for a straight vertical, resulting in a natural slight curve. The L is a bit too jaunty for my goal, but otherwise, would earn an A in my fabled penmanship class.

This is the "snobby" one.

The thing is, they are all 4... they are all fully, functionally 4. It's easy to point out their faults as related to some invisible aesthetic, but the fact is, if someone tortured me with nothing but white walls, pink noise, and snowstorm television, how deeply beautiful I would find a few definitive marks with meaning. Meaning. Visual aesthetics are only possible when applied to objects that already fall into some kind of order of deeper significance. So it's kind of funny to think we place so much importance on appearances, when our existence, the spark of life itself, is the most precious thing we have, enabling us to waste time if we choose, wondering about the meaning of life. Or how to draw a 4.