I tend to look for extremes.  Extreme simplifications, especially.  At times I get sad that there is not one track to life, or three or a hundred.  Life is like a bees' nest.  Except that bees' nests are just one tiny fraction of what goes on in this world.

But that doesn't keep me from sorting, sifting, synthesizing what I see.  The two areas I puzzle over most are spirituality, and relationships.  There are a couple big ballparks... kind of like saying, I puzzle over life!  More specifically on the spirituality one, I puzzle much about my Christian faith as it pertains to relationship with God, who God is, what God wants, where I can find God, and how I relate to people.

For a while last year I grabbed onto Matthew 25 as my guiding light of salvation.  Feed & care for the poor & rejected, and life is as it should be.  I've failed and failed to actually do this.  And partly because I sense its incompleteness even in theory.  

Because part of me can't quite leave it at "share the gospel, and if necessary, use words."  The New Testament clearly exemplifies openly sharing in words what that Jesus saved me through His death and resurrection.  In fact, I'm reading a really cool book right now called "I once was lost."  It's won me over because, so far, it speaks my postmodern language without compromising faith in Christ.  It's not just re-stating things I've heard before, but giving me information I didn't have before.  So, I'm very encouraged about sharing my witness.  But then--is that what Christianity is all about? Spreading Christianity?  For what? so the converts will also spread Christianity?  So more and more people can learn Christian-talk and be nice to each other?

But for me to ask those questions is to bypass what Christianity is.  Christianity *is* helping the poor & needy in the name Christ.  That ministry is our worship of God.  So there's the Matthew 25 part.

We desire to see others live this way, too.  Actually, without directly emphasizing the point, "I Once Was Lost" brought that home for me, too.  In several of the examples the authors use, skeptics became mystified and curious about Christians because of what Christians do (especially crazy things like moving into bad neighborhoods on purpose). Without living Christianity, it's only good in theory.  Honestly, that truth makes me quake inside.  It throws in my face just how my life is not like Christ's.

It makes me realize why I've been so tentative about sharing my faith.  I'm scared I might meet someone who will ask questions.  Someone who will want to know how my life is different from theirs--and they'll see my life isn't very different.  Sure, I have a style and habits that many people recognize as "Christian."  But how do I live?  Here's how I live--just to show what I mean by living--I love music, I love getting to know people.  I love learning--lately I'm learning madly about sound systems.  I love road trips, random personality quirks, people-watching.  I don't cook a lot, but when I do I know what I like and make it well.  My favorite is strong, savory stir fries over fried rice.  I think a LOT and in unusual ways.

I could go on and on about what my life is.  I'm vain, self-conscious.  I'm involved in my church's worship team--I love witty conversation--I spar with my old roommate about the technicalities of word meanings--I relish music theory--I run power points for my church's worship when I'm not playing piano and singing.  I have dreams of my own recording studio.

It's not a bad thing that a skeptic could look at my life and see a number of things he or she can relate to and possibly find interesting.  But I'm hardly lacking in that area of accessibility.  What I wonder is, what am I doing to be different?  How am I putting hands & feet to my love of Christ, and thereby FOLLOWING Christ?  Can I even say I am "committed" to Christ?  Isn't that commitment supposed to mean I will do what he wants?  

Any time I talk about Doing, I feel there are people who will say I don't understand grace.  Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but not for lack of thought on the subject.  I strongly believe that I can never "earn" forgiveness, but that my resting on grace does not get me off the hook of "doing good"!

I want to say, in this I am not being self-depricatingly blind to good things I have done.  I do have relationships with nonbelievers, and I do believe my response to life is somewhat different (though not necessarily super-much).  There are occasional specific things I do that could be called "good deeds".  But it's like I'm wiggling my toes and shaking people's hands and enjoying conversations with people, when I should be sharing in every way possible with people.  I don't want a life of "good deeds", I want a life that is a "good way."  (And by that I do not mean perfection, although that would be lovely, haha).

Comes down to it I'm scared.  Pretty sure my life isn't worth imitating.  Pretty sure my life doesn't imitate the Life that is really worth imitating.  I'm nice, I'm caring, I'm fun.  I have a lot of potential.  But I'll never feel right til I get out of my chair and give of myself in the name of Christ, to those who do not know Christ as their Savior.  I've done a lot of praying, a lot of talking to God.  I've talked about Christianity a lot with other Christians.  Theory is wonderful, but it's not satisfying me.  It's not emptying me of self-focus.  It's not opening my eyes to the beauty of the Lord--as inevitably reaching out to the hurt & broken does to me.

As I said at the beginning, I like to sort, sift and synthesize.  A lovely three "s"s.  A closing summary of this blog is at the tip of my fingers.  But that just stroke my "theorize and go home" habit.  I've got to learn these s's: Serve, Share.