Hyacinths

Today, in the few hours I had between getting home from work and nightfall, I tucked about a dozen clumps of hyacinth and daffodils into my back mulch bed, repotted various plants I had lying around, and finally mowed the yard. I was frustrated to find what I thought was a sort of drain near my backdoor, is not. I'm not sure what it is, but a useless pipe running about four feet under the mulch. Perhaps it does act as a drain sometimes, but not enough for me to rinse the patio into it.

Anyhow, the flower bed is pretty, the rosemary tree is planted in a nice old urn, and I hope to find some secondhand window boxes for the front of my house.

Confused Relationship Idolatry

Since when has desire for a mate, even a passionate, weak-kneed desire, been renamed idolatry? The years of singleness stretch on as earnest young Christians, upon approaching matrimonial feelings, freeze in their tracks. 'They think all the time about this person!' 'Theywant this person!' 'Aaaa! Idolatry!'

Now, since when is thinking of, wanting, desiring, pursuing a specific, compatible person, idolatry? Idolatry is the building of false, lifeless icons that represent the Living God. Desiring a mate for earthly matrimony (though I will discuss its all important similarity to Christ and the Church) is not even in the same ball field as building a lifeless icon to receive the acclaim of Almightiness!

On the other hand, the Living God often relates to us in terms of--what do you know? The marriage relationship. He spends plenty of Scripture building this analogy. See Song of Solomon. If the Song is an analogy for relationship to God, don't forget an analogy can speak to both sides of the analogy. In other words, for those more familiar with the God-church side of the equation (Note, God-church, not God-individual relationship), they might do well to look at the man/woman side.

Now, for those thinking this elevates man to God-like status, think again. Thinking one's man is omnipotent, omnipresent, the Redeemer of mankind, that would be elevating man to godlike status, and it probably should be classified as idolatry. I don't know one single Christian woman who thinks that of men.

One problem: people equating marriage with the God~individual person relationship. That would immediately give men a wrongfully elevated status, but the God~individual relationship is represented as Father-child!

Regarding God~Church, look at the romance in Scripture! God takes care of Israel, He loves her, He woos her, He gets angry when she cheats on Him, He forgives her even after it's gone so far they had to be separated! And then it is written, "Men, love your wives even as Christ loved the church."

...Do you think this can't be what it's saying because it's license for a spouse to cheat? think again (it's Scripture, for those fervently submitting their love lives to The Word). Rather than a license to cheat, it's a call to reconcile. And to seek each other, serve each other, love each other so passionately they would die to be with each other!

"But I'm not God!"

"Well, nor am I the Church!"

...remember in that sense we both happen to be members of the church, like a lung and a kidney! Both halves of the analogy need brought into earthly terms. Both members of the earthly picture have to acknowledge their humanity, while leaning on Christ to go beyond their natural strength for each other!

It's an analogy. Of course the man doesn't have God's omni powers. Just as importantly and overlooked, of course the woman doesn't have all the church's powers and abilities!

Another way to see it is this. Would a devoted Christian man dare say, "I am the fulness of God?" No. In fact it's become a common complaint, from men, taking one terrified look at romantic commitment and sprinting the other way, saying "Aaaa! I'm not God! I'm not your savior!"

Well, duh. We women know that.

On the other hand, women tend to suffer in silence the expectation that, while man fails to be God, they are expected to be the church in their relationship to a husband. But women would be just a much in their rights to take one terrified look at commitment, and what is expected of them, sprint the other way, and scream "Help! I'm not your church! I don't have the sum of the abilities of the church to dedicate to you! I don't have the sum of the wisdom, the stability, or the strength to serve you like the church serves God!"

But bring both sides of the analogy to earth, and in the marriage picture is the closest to a license, or even command, to "worship" one other than God. (I heard a line once, "with this ring I thee worship," and the problem there was that, while shamelessly mocking his call to honor God in faithfully loving her, he still expected her to be the church.)

Only God is worthy of being called God. Only the Church can fulfill her duties and roles of the as the Church. But when did this rather obvious truth confuse mankind into thinking passionately loving and desiring to enter that similar (not identical) relationship, was idolatry?

(I think it was when people started looking at the God-to-individual relationship as a romance, which it is only as far as a Father-child relationship has an element of romance. Romance-romance in Biblical religion is Christ loving the Church.)

If men, running from commitment, think women see them as The Redeemer, they are simply blinded by their arrogance, failing entirely to know her heart and all the things she graciously overlooks in him (which he thinks he has hidden? lol. Meanwhile she also lets him see her flaws, and he assumes those flaws to be just the tip of the iceberg!). She graciously overlooks the ways he fails at the personal-protector side of the relationship, because it's in her nurturing nature to do so, to fill in the gaps in relationship.

Men need to stop decrying the protector role on the basis of not being The Almighty Protector. It's one thing to admit, "I think only God can do this particular thing, but perhaps in His strength I can..." compared to, "Expect nothing of me!! I'm not God!" Men need to give women a chance to accompany them in that role. And if men won't listen to (and seek out and pursue madly unto death!) women's heart-thoughts, they'll continue to run around thinking a woman's church-like, nurturing behavior is proof that she elevates him to the status of God!

And what about women who seem not to exhibit so much 'churchish' nurturing behavior anymore? They are of practicality being their own interim earthly protector. ...And that is not defemanization, it's exactly what women adapt to, have always done, naturally, when they are the pastor/head of their house. Let someone become the unto-death pastor/head of her house, and she will make a lower-case c 'church' for him. This is not idolatry of a spouse, it's the irreducibly complex center of community, created by God, for His own glory and worship.

P.S. Of course, passionate ambition towards marriage does not warrant irresponsible actions under the delusion of future commitment. But getting to know people and moving closer to each other isn't an irresponsible action. Also, as the family of Christ, there's every reason to cherish one's close friends whether marriage is in sight or not. So what if it doesn't lead to marriage, and so what if it does? To think, "I am not ready to be married," is quite right and natural if you're not in a relationship that has developed to readiness! The question is, are you ready to spend one more day learning one more thing you didn't know about your friend? Are you ready to be lit up by Christ and to encourage each other to glow brighter with His truth?

Spray Paint

I never get it right. After that first light coat, and already a drip or two, I kind of say "what the heck" and spray it all liberally. This results in a beautiful sheen of color with some drips and some strange crackly areas. I probably should have sanded the item better, first.

I also think my cat is experiencing a high similar to catnip euphoria, just from the fumes I brought downstairs with me. I knew I shouldn't have done it indoors. I thought the studio would be a fine place to do it, but then I had to peel plastic off the window to vent the room (and it is still technically winter.) Anyway, I came downstairs and he started making some huffing noises and wanted to be near me.

One more thing. Singer-songwriters by the first name of Matthew, I seem to like. Matthew West, Matt Maher, Matthew Perryman Jones, Matthew Mayfield. I'm sure there are more. That's why I'm on my way right now to the "M" section on Noisetrade.com, where I discovered Matthew Perryman Jones and Matthew Mayfield.

P.S. Generally not Matts, but Matthews. I was sampling Matt after Matt at Noisetrade and thinking I'd disproven my theory, until I realized it was only Matts. I skipped on to the Matthews and immediately felt my theory was being supported again. Not that none of the Matthews sound amateurish, but they seem to have a better ear for what is beautiful.

P.P.S. My sister says I didn't prove anything.

Pausing at a late time

I imagine the house full of people. Words sweep his face like gestures; hands wash the air in gentleness. He stands between me and the chandelier talking to someone out of sight-- at his slight balancing movement a ray bursts under his arm, behind his head (as seen from relative shadow). Words are notes, musical letters.

The antique-red walls would have fingerprints from the children. I could only see them from this angle. The dining chair with its back to me, strings dangling from the booster seat, is excruciatingly beautiful because my friend sits next to me plucking a guitar.

The present is all but a memory; the greatest beauty of a moment is the vintage of its passing. It keeps a person up far into the night, trying to remember what is happening a moment ago.

But to rightly squander time is to inhale it like a sweet aroma, to swallow it like a first meal in a week, to run over it barefoot like it's a perfect green lawn, to forget it like forgetting yourself, to love it like your first breath.

Maybe in the eternal sunshine of graduation one can taste and see every facet of beautiful memory.

It's just that beauty and joy don't collocate forever in a teakettle waiting to be poured. Beauty is Northern Lights heaping themselves above the sky, joy is facing fear. Beauty and joy are in the utter distraction and awareness of sanctification.

Letting not the emptiness of a false present past rob me of sleep: might dreams be fearless and forward-pacing.

I've got a little stretch of sidewalk to shovel. I feel like part of a cozy community when I do it. Sometimes the neighbors have beat me to it, but I think they realize I do get to it.

I stomped around the house tonight memorizing the first three verses of Hebrews 12, emphasizing phrases by words and syllables. (Could I have but select chapters from the Bible, I'd start with Psalm 103 and Hebrews 12). My cat was mystified and entertained by my antics. He'd certainly never seen me act quite like that. And that, after a shocking hour of piano practice. "THEREFORE. SINCE. WE. ARE. SURR.OUND.ED.BY.SUCH.A.GREAT.CLOUD.OF.WITNESSES. LET US THROW OFF EVERY HINDRANCE AND THE SIN THAT.SO.EASILY.EN.TANG.LES.LET.US.FIX.OUR.EYES.ON.JESUS."

The spiritual journey sure has its valleys and mountains. How simple is the Gospel, really? Life just isn't simple. The journey is long. The only really unmovable pillar is the rock of Jesus Christ. "THE AUTHOR.AND.PERFECTOR.OF.OUR.FAITH." Spinning in a mind battle of fears, insecurities, and failures, I've found such peace lately: not counseling myself out of my fears. But dwelling on Jesus' unchanging faithfulness. What if the 'worst case scenario' does happen? I don't want to think about it. But the deepest fear--the fear of annihilation--is answered in He "WHO.FOR.THE.JOY.THAT.WAS. SET.BEFORE.HIM.ENDURED.THE.CROSS." Stormy waves don't move Him. I believe His word that He doesn't change, and I believe He speaks truth, which means it's true I can hide in His sheltering love.

No matter what happens in this life, my soul is safe in His refuge. What can death do, anyway?--hasten the day of everlasting peace? I'm not marginalizing the pain that happens in life. But I've found such refuge of soul in Jesus Christ.

The Race

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles..." Hebrews 12:1, TNIV

I guess something's going on in my soul, but whatever it is, it's making me look at my life in grief and frustration. Anything I might choose to do with my time gets nixed because there is something else I should be doing instead. The result is that I keep my body supplied with calorie intake, sleep, and scripture reading, and I go to work and church, and sometimes I talk on the phone for a long time.

Aaah.

I'm immobilized by vectors.

Neo-oldschool

I'll consider myself a very lucky lady indeed if I someday find myself married to a man who agrees that children should be reared with less flattery & bribery and more structured expectations in the home.

People (with special emphasis on their formative childhoods) need less self-esteem-building and more order. They need to be taught excellence, not self-acceptance (which will come with excellence). They need to be taught duty, not dreams (a dutiful person will still dream and will be more likely to achieve those dreams, if in light of duty's rewards, a particular dream continues to hold sway).

Duty, excellence, self-discipline, obedience, charity. All things I am putting off the learning-of while writing this small rant.