Why wait? (some subjective connections of ideas)

Death as completion.   The subject is freshly on my mind because of this video from Centricity Music.

A couple years ago I wrote up a paper on an idea I dubbed "obruo profundis." Obruo profundis refers to a profoundly overwhelming physical/emotional sensation, usually resulting from circumstance that...when analyzed... is an experience of something infinite.  As example, I once determined not to crunch up a piece of candy in my mouth, to suck on it til it was all gone.  But near the end when I was sure it would just dissolve, it just got smaller...and smaller...and smaller... and I got this sudden rush of horror, that it would never actually go away, but keep getting just a bit smaller.  I was "tasting" Zeno's paradox of infinite halves.

The paper started out asking in a childish simplicity, why man cannot look on God and live.  It's one thing to say man is "not allowed" to look on God and live.  But it probably means "unable".... but why? (what if I got really really far away and peeked?) (yeah I'm missing the point, sure.)  My conclusion was to suppose that, to look on God, would be to witness that which is infinite; and if, in this finite life, the briefest glimpse of infinity fills us with the horror of "obruo profundis", then what would a glimpse of the Ultimate, Infinite God cause?  In one horrific implosion of the senses, the contrast between infinite and finite would overcome us completely.  (And how COULD such a One bother with us? Psalm 8:4 "What is man that you are mindful of him? and the son of man that you care for him?")

Now to jump rudely to the next idea--Completion.  I find that I have avoided completion in general.  I'm talking about procrastination, of course.  Somewhere in the root directory of my brain is a virus that says:  "As long as I have unfinished business, my story isn't over.  Why wake up tomorrow if everything is done?"  A finished to-do list can actually be terrifying.  

It's not that I never get things done (including to-do lists).  But sometimes I understand brown by contrasting green and red;  I mean, it's taking extremes of my behavior, studying the extremes, that gives me ideas about the subtleties.  And realizing I procrastinate because I fear that God might throw something big at me if my schedule is too open--well, if that's true, it's in flagrant conflict with my desire to be used of God for His glory.

When internal conflicts become clear, I tend to get more proactive.  So I've been getting off my butt, little by little, sorting drawers, shredding old junk mail.  It's a start.  I'm moving towards a practical readiness for...whatever.  Mobility? Death? Clarity of mind? Freedom to serve? Theme song: Free Me Up (downhere).

So without being mathematical/logical about it, I think death, completion, and infinity/eternity all go together somehow--if nothing else, in their property of not being so compatible with earthly life.

One last chapter in this labyrinth of thought.  It will also function as a summary.

Whenever I think about what would make life complete, I know very quickly that no combination of things, places, or people can completely satisfy.  But I tend to keep trying, while telling myself I am indeed ready to face death.  It is stories of martyrs,  so certain of their eternity that their life meant nothing to them--that most profoundly shakes up my zen garden.  I used to read books about martyrs.  They always left me feeling sick with terror.  Especially of drowning.  It's easy to say, why let fear of martyrdom mix me up nowadays in relatively safe modernism? and besides, [at the same time] death can come around any corner anywhere.  Well, that's why I went and read Jonah last week.  Even if Jonah's biggest hangup was that he would've been content to see those Ninevites incinerated, I still feel like I've got a lot to learn from that book.

So I don't know.  It may be a leap to say my life is disorderly because I am afraid of sacrifice, but I wouldn't put it past myself.  And this thought process illuminates an area of fear/distrust in my life to bring before God.  Discovering such an area gives me fresh hope, because I know I can look forward to a closer relationship to God through it.

"The waters closed in over me to take my life;

   the deep surrounded me;

weeds were wrapped about my head

    at the roots of the mountains.

I went down to the land

   whose bars closed upon me forever;

yet you brought up my life from the pit,

   O LORD my God."

p.s.  Musical angle: You know those magic moments in music that just hurt with beauty? of course you do, especially if you're a fan of Downhere and know the song "My Last Amen" (the song in the video linked earlier).  I used to have a theory that if a person could make a song entirely out of such moments, they would have a weapon of mass destruction on their hands, as the effect multiplied.   Fortunately, (if myvmusic dept. chair was correct) such notes are so subjective that, even if a song could be tailored to kill one person, it would not have the same effect on other people).  Anyway, that's creepy, but it's just an idea I used to wonder about.  Maybe there are heavenly passing notes, and evil passing notes.  Maybe, maybe not.  Time to sign off!!!

Sleepy Thoughts About Knowledge

I am groggy.  I was groggy after lunch, and napped all afternoon.  Now, at just 10:30, I feel I could go to bed already.  What's up with that? I was in bed by 1:30 last night and slept til 8 at least.  

My life has been one long struggle between vulnerability and stoicism.  When I entered the blogging world in 2005, I quickly developed a habit of talking about everything that happens to me; all my random thoughts; I'd even talk about specific relational situations...in hypothetical versions.

I've done a lot of reflection to try figure out who I am.  What have I learned by doing so?  I've learned that I cannot ever know myself completely.  And probably nobody can ever know another person completely.  Perhaps the best way to know someone is to know them as an unknowable person, and then just enjoy the bits that I can learn.  I'm glad there is a God who made me and DOES know everything about me.  When my soul hides from my mind, I know God knows what's up.  When I worship God in intent, but feel it not (like I'm calling through a lead sky) I know God sees all.  

While understanding myself helps understand others, I have to allow others to surprise me at any turn.  I love book covers.  They can say so much about the book.  And they can be so wrong.  That doesn't make the cover something to ignore.  It's just that when it comes to understanding the book, the cover is trumped by the contents.

I guess that's life.  Finding patterns to live by, then being alert to the barrage of exceptions.  Rethinking the patterns; again, welcoming exceptions.  At least that's been life as I've known it.